One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize