Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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