woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
