11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
