I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
