I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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