Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
