When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
