chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
