This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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