She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize