end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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