I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
