he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
