I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
