out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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