Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
