My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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