Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
