He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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