i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
