All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
