I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize