they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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