Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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