"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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