then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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