i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize