I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Four minutes until I can fart!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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