i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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