How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
