Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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