and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
