you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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