Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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