Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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