This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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