I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
