I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
