new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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