he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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