dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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