i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
