She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
