There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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