toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize