She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
