I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
you never un-have a 4some
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
