Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
