dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
