You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
