gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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