Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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