I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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