not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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