I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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