ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
