It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize