I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize