ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Come see our sink grown plant.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
