someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
