life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
